Where Do Broken Hearts Go? From 4.22.14

After lots of soul searching (that's where I have been these past couple of weeks), I am back.  The below post is from April 22nd.

4.22.2014

Today is my first day back to work.  I don’t want to be here.  I want to be home.  I want to be hidden.  I want to be invisible.

I wanted more than anything to stay home for this entire week…but what good would that do? It won’t undo what has happened.  It won’t make life stop, pause, or make the world stand still until I am ready to deal with it.

I didn’t think it would be this hard. I never understood women who miscarried and fell to pieces. I never understood that…until now.  People argue when does life begin…from conception, or when the heart begins to beat…I feel qualified to answer that question now…it begins from the moment you find out you are pregnant.

I feel like a ball of knots…tangled in every which way you can imagine.  I do not want to be here.  However, if not now, then when?  I have to press forward, I have to move on.  I cannot become mired down in grief.

I cried this morning…but it was in the pantry, away from my son…away from the world.  The other times I cry? In the shower, where the tears will wash away down the drain, and I can emerge and blame my red face, my red eyes, on the intense heat of the shower.

I am beginning to understand why people don’t tell they are pregnant until a certain point in time—it reduces the amount of explaining and sympathy you experience after the other shoe drops.  However, it never occurred to me to not tell the world. I mean, this was a miracle! I was told for YEARS…NO! And yet, here I was…or there I was…pregnant.  Why wouldn’t I want to testify of the goodness of the Lord?

So far, here at school, I am doing well.  Yes, I am getting the “I’m so sorry for you!” looks, but no one has SAID anything to me about it—thanks to my guidance counselor who sent out an email alerting the staff that I would like to grieve in private...and I am ok with that.  I have sent my heart in to “hiding” in order for me to be able to pick up and move forward.  My mind is in total control right now.  However, if I SPEAK about it…then my heart hears the words, and takes its cue to come out of “hiding,” and that…is when the dams are removed, and the river is allowed to overflow its banks…

Whitney Houston once asked, “where do broken hearts go?”  And I really wish I could answer that question.  If I could answer that, then maybe I would know where to send mine so it can heal completely.  

They say time heals all wounds…we will see.  However, for now, I am doing the best I can to move on.  The best I can to try to not be a burden.  The best I can to be an awesome parent to the child I have been blessed with…

But I am struggling here.  I will not lie to you about that.  And I will not stop blogging about my progress…or lack thereof, as if I can show one person…just one person out there, that they are NOT alone, then my suffering will be eased…because at times, I feel like I am…