Speak to My Heart...

4.18.2014

I am now home, but I must tell you, that same nurse, she was also there when I woke up in recovery.  She had stayed with me in the OR until they began, and then she had gone back to work.  But she was there when I woke up in recovery.

I don’t know how I can ever repay her kindness!  She did not have to do any of what she did! 

But I digress. I am home, and now the hard part begins…the emotional healing.  We are watching Elmo in Grouchland, and Frozen…two movies to help me laugh.

I find that I do not want to watch anything serious…nor do I want to read anything serious…I have not even watched the season finale of Scandal at this point…I’m not ready to return to the grown up world yet.  I just want to be surrounded by silliness.  Gaudy, over-the-top, silliness.

I can’t help but think that this is the week of Easter…a time of renewal, and here I am, mourning a loss. And I wonder if this is how Mary felt—losing her child—only she had him from birth until adulthood, so she had a stronger bond with him, but I feel like the loss of a child, is the loss of a child.

I have decided to not forget her.  Yes, her.  I don’t know, but I have this feeling, the baby was a girl.  And for me to move on, I feel I need to establish a connection so I don’t feel like I am mourning a void, a nothing.

So I have named her Hannah.  Why Hannah?  Because you must remember, I was told that I would never, ever get pregnant, but I did.  So for that reason, I call her Hannah, because in Hebrew, Hannah means, “grace,” or “favor,” and I believe that God used her to show me both in that I can indeed get pregnant. 

Does this make things easier?  In a way. Does it take away the pain? Nope.  Not at all.  Not in the slightest.  I also purchased a birthstone for the month of November, to go in my locket that I wear. In this locket, is Matthew’s birthstone—which we share for March—and now Hannah’s. Both of my children, in my heart locket, close to my heart forever…Speak to my heart, Holy Spirit. Message of love, give me the words, that will bring new life…