Take Me To The King...

4.16.14 8:26 am

I said I was ready, but I'm not. I'm headed to my second ultrasound, and I'm n tears. I'm so afraid.  So much for acceptance of whatever? No. I disagree. My mind has made peace. It's my heart that is closed minded. It is my heart that only wants to hear good news today come hell or high water. 

My mind is prepared. My mind is logical---you do not want this on your terms, but on god's.  My heart wants no part of that statement. My mind agrees that based on today's visit though, a second opinion may be warranted. My heart is in agreement on that, but still holds out that today will be the day we see another miracle, another blessing. 

My mind is racing...trying to rationalize with my heart. Telling my heart: can we truly afford this?  We didn't know we could get pregnant, so we never took out short term disability. What if we're put on bed rest? But all of this is to say that it is to no avail. My heart wants what it wants, and right now, it wants more than anything, to think that in 9 months, there will be a tiny human being emerging.  

My heart does not want to be rational. It does not want to think that we can try again. It does not want to let go now. 

I was so hungry upon leaving the house a while ago.  I told myself I would go and get breakfast as a treat...i have not eaten a bite. My appetite appears to have flown out the window when I rolled it down to place my order at the speaker. 

I'm here now.  Sitting in the parking lot. Looking at the building. Trying to muster the courage to go in. Trying to see if we can have the test done with me still in the car. 

Of course I know better. But I cannot help it. Before going in, however. What I will do, what I can do, is pray.....

Dear God, just because I don't understand your plan, does not mean I don't trust it...

4.16.14 10:00 AM

It is over. There is no growth. There is no need for a second opinion. No growth is pretty clear--no growth. 

My heart is torn to pieces. My mind is numb. It feels nothing. It has allowed my heart to take over: allowed my heart to begin to go through its grieving process. 

For me, this is much more than just a miscarriage. This is a why? Meaning, I was told never....but God said yes, but then he said no? 

This was my miracle, and now it's gone? Just like that? 

The doctor I saw today was so nice. So genuine. The ultrasound tech hugged me. The LPN hugged me. The doctor hugged me. 

So I had three options: 1. Continue and see if my body realizes what is happening and lets go on its own. 2. Take pills that would MAKE my body wake up and let go. Or 3. Have a D&E where I go to sleep, and wake up and everything is done. 

She explained that the pregnancy had progressed to 8 weeks, and then just stopped. No additional growth at all.  

I asked her why did my body not "abort" on its own. And she said sometimes the body does not want to let go, either. That made me cry again. 

I asked her for her opinion on what option I should choose. And she was frank with me: a D&E. She explained that she tried for a year or so to get pregnant, and she has twin two year olds, and could not imagine suffering a miscarriage while chasing them. 

She said with a D&E, I'll go to sleep, she would be the one taking care of me, and she would make sure I'm ok. 

I agreed to the D&E knowing my kid, his energy levels, and knowing what I have heard from others who have lived through miscarriages---I wanted this to be quick and easy without ripping out my heart, without dragging everyone else down my road of misery.

The D&E has been scheduled for tomorrow, April 17, at 2PM. "Take me to the King, I don't have much to bring. My heart is torn in pieces, it's my offering. Lay me at the throne...leave me there alone...."