Tantalus and Sisyphus…

4.10.2014

This morning, my thoughts are all over the place. 

On the one hand, I am still numb…I feel like Tantalus, with my greatest desire hanging just beyond my reach. Every time I reach for it, the wind blows it just out of my grasps once again….but mine is worse…I actually GOT my desire…and now they are trying to take it away.

After speaking with a teacher here at my school that is also pregnant—she made some really good points that have me honestly very confused. 

She said that she could not understand why I was not classified as high risk considering they never thought I would get pregnant, my age, and my hard to control blood pressure.  She was also shocked that the first thing they didn’t do, was check my blood for hCG levels when they took my blood work at the confirmation appointment.  She said considering my irregular cycles, my history with dysfunctional uterine bleeding, they would have wanted the blood work up front to see what they were working with.

She also advised that depending on what the doctor said at my next ultrasound, I needed to seek a second opinion. That is, if the new ultrasound next week, shows no growth in the yolk or gestational sacs. 

I think I agree.  Why did she not do the blood work for hCG levels up front?  Why all of that blood work, not to test for that while you’re draining my veins?

Also, why a pap smear?  It’s not like mine was out of date.  I had one the previous year, and according to my primary, they are only needed every 3 years now…so why now that I am pregnant?  I mean, in all honesty, I did not start spotting until after that pap.  Seriously.  I was more than fine up until that point.  Why a pap on a high risk person? 

I have all of these questions.  I am now wondering did they ever seriously think I would carry at all.  I am now thinking I need a second opinion.  The teacher I work with said with all of her babies, heartbeats have not been heard until 10-12 weeks, and the fetal pole was not visible until then either for her.  Why is my doctor so quick to terminate?

I have asked my co-worker for her doctor’s information. I am going to try and schedule an appointment for next week.  If I don’t like what the 2^nd ultrasound says, I’ll go for a second opinion prior to making a final decision.  If I go back, and this new ultrasound shows more promise, I can always cancel.

I only know that I am not ready to give up without a fight.  I have waited for this so long…and to get this far to feel like the medical team I am working with, has already thrown up their hands on me and my child, makes me feel like Sisyphus: continuously rolling a boulder up a hill, only to have to roll it back down the hill, and start over again the next day—futile.

I feel like the line from the song by Marvin Sapp, He Has His Hands on You, “Sometimes you feel so alone, like a child lost with no home. They keep telling you to be strong, but you say when will it end? When will I win…”

When WILL I win?